i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
