I just made out with a guy for $7.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
do herpes really smell.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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