I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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