can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
