Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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