New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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