Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
