the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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