You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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