1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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