i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
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Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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