Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize