Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
