the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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