Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
