Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nutella sex= disaster
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
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I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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