After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
