How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
zippers are such a cool invention
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
