Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
