I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
