3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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