My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
