So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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