she woke up with a sticky ear
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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