I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
