All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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