im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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