Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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