I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
