Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
