You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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