my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
