I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
