dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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