So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so let's talk penis.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
