Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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