Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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