My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
