i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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