Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
