I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
