would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
