I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
