At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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