We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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