You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
