How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
