Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
