Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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