fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
