dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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