i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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