Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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