If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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