Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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