wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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