Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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