The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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