i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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