I'm so fucking centered right now
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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