Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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