Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
